The Wine is Fine…How Are You?

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Lately it seems so acceptable, even normal, to talk or joke about “needing” our daily glass of wine to take the “edge off”, or just to relax, yet so “strange” or almost “taboo” when someone says, “I am having a rough time keeping my shit together these days and could really use some support?” Isn’t it really the same thing? Or is sticking with the wine more like saying, “I’m struggling to keep my shit together but I’m going to numb that with my wine so that I can wake up and do all the same things tomorrow and hope it ends different.”?

I don’t drink, not because I think there’s anything wrong with it, or because I “have my shit together” but, in a nutshell, my Dr. told me not to. I now have almost no tolerance for any alcohol. Does that mean I never enjoy a glass of wine, no, but it is rare, and I’m still surprised at how uncomfortable I seem to make people by not drinking. Why is that? Is it that people think I’m judging them negatively for drinking? Do they think it’s bad that their drinking? If not, why would I? Do they think I’m saying, “I don’t need it”? Would that mean I think they do? Why would I think that?

I actually used to wish I could have that wine, sometimes to “take the edge off”, but more often just to blend in. But what would that mean, that making others feel comfortable is more important than my health? Actually, if I didn’t have three sons counting on me to be their mom, I probably would have chosen to blend in more often, but not anymore. And that makes me wonder…how many others are in a similar situation? How many of us are just trying to blend in, and Why?

I see Facebook posts, hear jokes in exercise classes, and even see diets that make sure to include that glass of wine. Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t help wondering why so many women, many moms, caretakers and professionals, find it more acceptable to talk about their wine habits then about why they “need” it? I fully understand and appreciate that, for some, it’s truly the enjoyment of the beverage, and for others it serves as a sort of meditation because they make a point to sit, relax, and breathe while enjoying their wine. But what about those of us who drink our wine, or take our anti-depressants/anxiety/etc. pills, because we need them? Do we really “need” them…or is it just a habit?

Recently I was at a cocktail party and I felt as though I was witnessing a competition over who has that first glass sooner after getting home; it was received as normal, even admirable. As if the more we needed the glass the more overworked and underappreciated we were and, somehow, that was being worn like a badge..? What is up with that? I get it, it’s what our society has become…blah blah blah, but really? Are we REALLY ok with that? Are we happy? Who cares how much you work, how many things you have, etc. if it doesn’t make you happy? Who are you doing it for? Do you think that anyone who loves you wants to see you NOT happy?

What if we, as women, just decided to be honest with each other instead of trying to impress each other? What if we just started talking to each other?  What if we just started being true to ourselves? What if we worried less about what our social medial followers thought of us and more about what the people who truly loved us thought? Would it change anything?

I decided to be “brave” at the cocktail party and I asked some of these questions… Let’s just say it’s a good thing I’ve learned not to value myself based on others opinions…it pretty much went over like a lead balloon. Maybe it’s just me, but I wish I had spent more of my life cultivating mutual, supporting relationships than I did numbing, blending and pretending not to need anyone, that everything was “fine”, or even “great”.

How many of you judge others the way you perceive them to be judging you? I’m guessing not many, and that’s why I’ve decided to give others the benefit of the doubt that their not judging me either. What’s the point, it’s not like we are going to change anyone’s mind anyway. What people think about you has much more to do with what’s going on with them then anything that’s actually going on with you.  Think about it, if you’re having a great hair day, do you even notice anyone elses hair? But what happens when you go out feeling self conscious about your hair?

After a while, you’re bound to reap what you sew, so be careful; this is your one life, spend it being YOU, not who you think others want you to be. You are unique and special, you were not born to Blend In, you were born to Stand Out, to be the one and only YOU!

Your entire life is made up of tiny little moments, starting now. Who do you want to be and what are you willing to do, be, or not do or be, to achieve that?

           

Listen – A 16 year old boys’ perspective in 2018

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Listen to them, give them a chance

They may have a point you’d never thought of

An angle you never would have looked from

A new way of phrasing the same material

Or most importantly

An opinion you don’t agree with

 

Listen to learn what they think, not to find the weak point

Just because it’s different doesn’t mean it is wrong

Think of a reply after you take in what they said

A conversation is not made up of opportunities to fire

Stop looking for them and wait

Wait until you understand

 

Listen like an open door not a filter

Take it all in

Selectively listening is just as bad as not listening at all

Middleground is the best ground

Respond with intent to teach, suggest or understand

Not to prove one wrong and one right

 

Listen to what you don’t know

No one knows it all, although some know more than others

Everyone can learn from the simple act of conversing

Division is the one common enemy of conversation

We see it everywhere

Pressured to pick one side or the other

 

Listen

Talk with each other not at each other

There are more than two sides to everything

Opinion is a spectrum not a division line

Respect and be respected

Compromise

Listen

 

by Will Ross

Positivity Pledge Challenge

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Our youth is starving for some HOPE, we owe it to them to deliver.

We are all energy; we are all connected…

When we cast our negative energy into the world, it causes a ripple that effects everyone who sees/reads it, they absorb it; if they are in a relatively good space from an energy or mental well-being standpoint, it may not have any immediate effect. However, BE AWARE that the negative energy in your “tiny rant” of opposition, hate, racism, blaming, bashing, accusing, etc… may be the one bit of energy that tips the scales for one individual. It may cause them to go into a downward spiral that they can’t stop, they may hurt themselves or others because of it, if nothing else, they will most likely continue to spread more negative energy into the world. And so it goes…

Of course we all want to find a particular person or thing to blame for things we don’t like, but that’s because we want to believe we can control it. The truth is, we can only control what we take responsibility for, once you give responsibility away, you have given away your control.

So the good news is…we are all responsible for the state of our nation today. Every single one of us. We are either trying to solve the problem or we’re making it worse, but everyone has an effect, there is no neutral.  See, THERE IS NO US AND THEM, there is only US, and we effect each other, intentionally and unintentionally.  The unintentional effect is collateral damage, but guess what? It hurts the same regardless of the intent. Pain doesn’t care if you meant it or not.

Every time we post, snap, protest or whatever it is we do to communicate these days, we have a choice. We can add to the swirling sea of hate, opposition, division, fighting, accusing, blaming, etc.. the negative energy that is obviously swallowing up our youth, or we can JUST STOP.

We can stop and think before we “post”. How do I feel about what I am posting? Does it make me smile inside (positive energy) or does it cause me that burning, shoulder raising feeling (negative energy)? If it doesn’t make you smile, think again…do you really need to post it? Are you solving any problems by doing so or are you just adding your sticks to the fire of negativity that is already incinerating all hope? What is your goal? What are you trying to achieve? And then ask yourself, what are you actually achieving? Is your post really going to do anything besides maybe make you feel better about yourself in some way? And at what cost?  Any chance your words may upset someone? Was that the goal? Did that help the actual problem you claim to be trying to solve?

When is the last time you got someone to listen to you by “yelling” at them or telling them why or how they were wrong? When is the last time that worked on you? Can you get your point across in a way that isn’t negative? Can we realize that we are all trying our best to do what we believe is right and just talk to each other?

What if, at a minimum, we all pledged to put out at least as much positive energy into the internet as we do negative? What if for every post that spews hate, racism, division, fighting, accusing, blame, gloom etc… we posted one that spreads love, connection, peace, helping, congratulating, responsibility, gratitude and/or joy? And if that seems like too much of a challenge, WHY?  

We are without a doubt living in the greatest nation in the world, yet no other nation finds more to complain about…You find what you’re looking for. Focus on the positive and you will help change the world. Ultimately, we ARE what we DO on a regular basis…

What if we pledge to start seeking out and spreading the positive for our youth? What if we go out of our way to give them hope? What if we start now…what have we got to lose?

TIP: If you can’t post it with a heartfelt smile, reconsider. 🙂

 

Words To Think About; Perhaps Inspire!

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It’s wonderful if others believe in you, but it’s only necessary that you believe in yourself.

There is only one YOU, be the U in Unique- the most successful people in the world got that way by being completely themselves…think about it 😉

How Do You Play the Game of Life?

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I was watching my son play golf when it dawned on me; golf is like life.  I also realized that I often treat it more like bowling.

As I watched, I found myself studying the golfers every move. Suddenly, I began to recognize important life skills being revealed.

As they stand on the T box, the first thing they all do is locate the flag, their ultimate goal.  The next step seems to be clarifying that goal.  They use various ways to determine how far away it is, if it is straight ahead, to the left or right, what’s between here and there. All of this information ultimately helps them decide how best to start.  Sometimes, it’s simply how far can I hit which club the most accurately? If the answer was 200 yards but there was a water hazard about 200 yards between the golfer and the flag, then an alternate route would need to be determined.  If the choice became hitting to the left for the best alternate lie, then the appropriate club for that shot was chosen.  At that point, the golfer has a new intermediate goal; their ultimate goal has not been abandoned, but it has been broken down into smaller more achievable steps.  Those smaller steps, or shots, are carefully considered, calculated and executed, independent of the ultimate goal.  Regardless of how close or far from the desired location the golf ball lands, the golfer goes to where it actually is, which is not always where they wish it was, and begins the process again.  The ultimate goal of the hole by the flag is still there, but, again, getting there is broken up into smaller, more achievable steps or shots.  This continues over and over again for each hole and each round.  The golfer tries not to lose their temper or get upset if the ball doesn’t land where they wanted it to or thought it should have, but if they do, it doesn’t change the location of the ball.  The location of the ball never gets closer to the desired goal until the golfer stops, considers where it actually landed, where they need it go, how best to get it there, what tools to use, etc…just like life. And just like life, if they can’t let go of their thoughts and emotions about the past shot, it tends to negatively affect their future shots until they do. It’s a conscious choice they have to make.

As I thought more about golf it occurred to me how much of a process or journey the game is, like life. At the end of a round I hear golfers talking about, not only the ultimate score, but specific holes or shots, the way we talk about milestones in life. I’m not a golfer, but I have to say I have certainly developed a whole new respect and admiration for the game.

Recently, I noticed I was in one of those “auto-pilot” modes; where you just sort of go through the motions and hope that the bulk of your To-Do list gets done before you go to bed in preparation to start all over again. As I was watching this golf match I realized, this is how I should be living my life, but instead I was treating it more like bowling. I’m not a regular bowler and I’m sure, like most sports, there’s a lot more to it when you know more about it.  However, from my beginner’s perspective, in bowling you have a goal, you pick up the heaviest or most powerful tool you can handle, take aim and give it all you’ve got.  You roll the ball down the alley as straight and hard as you can, aiming for that one pin that you hope will somehow have a domino effect and knock down all the other pins.  If all 10 pins don’t fall down the first time, you try the same thing again. If that doesn’t work, wait a little until things reset themselves and then try the exact same thing all over again. The bowler and his/her goal continuously return to the same spot, the way I was beginning to feel when I woke up each morning. The golfers, on the other hand, continue to move forward to a brand new goal. I’m not saying bowling isn’t fun, my family loves a night of bowling, I’m just noticing that the game of golf may be a better metaphor for a how to live a fulfilling life.

What games would you compare your life to these days?

Yes…Life isn’t Fair…It Just IS!

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That’s true. Life isn’t fair, it just is… that’s why when a tiny fawn finally makes it to a drinking hole, after no water for days, only to meet up with a starving lion…it’s not a matter of fair, it’s just life.

Fair is something we make up depending on our perspective, the particular situation, and our history. For example, if you are the tiny fawn, this scenario seems extremely unfair and maybe even wrong. However, if you are the lion, this same scenario is an incredible stroke of luck, maybe even a blessing.

So…the good news is…if fair is just an illusion we make up in our minds, by decorating a set of circumstances with a collection of colorful thoughts, then if what we are imagining doesn’t make us happy… if it makes us upset, angry, resentful, etc.…then we have the power to change it!

Sounds simple right? It actually is.  We only make it difficult because it’s unusual or new.  It requires leaving what we know, doing something very different, breaking a habit…

This very act physiologically activates the reptile portion of our brain (“flight, fight, and freeze”).   It’s not your fault that leaving the comfort zone doesn’t come naturally, it actually doesn’t. Staying with what has kept us alive to this point, good/bad or otherwise, is what our survival instinct will automatically strive to maintain.

But are we really talking about “survival” most of the time? No…WE know that, but the physiological parts of our incredible brain do not. It’s our own built in computer, but we have to program it, or at least update the existing program. Our brain can only do or know what is input into it, through awareness, experience, intentional education, etc.… If we don’t consciously enter new information and/or challenge and change what is there, our brains are wired to simply run on the old programming, automatically. To change how you feel about “things”, you have to change your “programming”, and it has to be intentional.

Your attitude about your life really IS your choice.  You don’t have to be pissed off every time things don’t go as you had hoped, upset when you’re expectations aren’t met, hold grudges, etc.… You can choose to accept what is, without judgment; deal with it, maybe even look for the lesson and learn from it. Either way, it’s always your choice, no matter how many excuses you give yourself. 

No- it’s not easy, no -it’s not quick, and no -it’s not all sunshine and rainbows all the time, but it IS your one life and WHATS THE ALTERNATIVE? Why wouldn’t you continue to try? THERE IS NO FINISH LINE…it’s NEVER too late…Life is a process. And every second of every minute of every day…you have a choice: You can live on auto-pilot or take back control of your own mind.

“You can control your thoughts or your thoughts will control you” -unknown

Life really is what you make it: if you find yourself in a situation that makes you…not happy, try taking all of the emotions, thoughts and/or judgement away for a moment before you react or decide how you feel. Look at the facts, just what IS, not what you or others thought it should have been, what you expected or wanted it to be etc… and then, see if you can figure out how to take the next small step to move forward instead of getting sidetracked by discouraging thoughts…

At the end of the day, we all just want to be happy. Everything “thing” we desire to have or do is really just a means to the same end; we think it will make us happy. Fortunately, Life is more about your attitude than anything else and you are in charge of that. Blaming others only gives your power away. Take responsibility and take back control.

Change your attitude and watch your whole life change too. There is no such thing as FAIR or UNFAIR, it just IS, and it IS your LIFE!

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